It has been three years since Jane took to shaming her daughter as a means of meting out punishment on her. Jane reveals that she has repeatedly gathered her daughter’s friends and siblings to her apartment in order to lay bare her misdemeanors; purposely admonishing her. However, Jane’s approach to disciplining her daughter seems to cause more harm than good.
Punitive Shaming
Spurs Action
The daughter is now completely withdrawn; no longer interested in the friends whom her mother invites. Instead, she bullies them. Furthermore, she has developed some sort of introvert traits. Most often, she keeps to herself and is no longer interested in the company of her usual playmates, her performance in school work is declining- triple stalemate for the mother! Jane reckons that her daughter no longer reaches out to her the way she used to.
30-year-old Jane is not alone. Many parents employ the use of public shaming as
a means of discipline. In fact, it is an alarming reality that some parents
go to the extent of using social media to shame their kids. I am aware of a
parent whose son stole some cash from her purse. On discovery, she forced him
to hold a placard written: “I stole mum’s money from her purse” She took a snap
of it and posted it on her Instagram. She opened her account and showed the
boy; telling him that everybody in the world knew what he had done.
Emotional Abuse Upped to
Shaming at Social Media Level
In all likelihood, parents like Jane don’t stop at social media. They
yell at their children in public in a bid to punish them. According to a
professional child therapist, (Dr. Peggy); shaming a kid goes beyond
reprimanding them in public or by mere spanking.
While in pursuit of discipline, parents usually employ other subtler means such
as making the kid to feel guilty, source of trouble, deficient, or simply plain
dumb. Even something as benign as sighing or rolling up your eyes can be
construed as shaming.
Remember, the act of public shaming a child is not confined to parents
alone. My friend, Millicent recently pulled her seven-year-old son
from a renowned city academy after he was shamed by his class teacher in front
of the entire class. The teacher took to this action because the boy did poorly
in a Mathematics questionnaire. The boy alleged that his class teacher made him stand behind his desk, for a whole lesson with his shorts off. His mother
was thoroughly enraged and wanted to take legal action against the teacher.
Obviously, that was emotional abuse. Some parents do not agree that public
shaming of kids is not effective or abusive.
Lorna Kipps, a mother of three girls aged 9, and 11 and13 is one such parent. She
opposes the idea that rebuking a child is a form of abuse. She says when
children are shamed because of bad behavior, you prevent them from repeating
similar mistakes. That’s the way our parents brought us up and we came out
fine.
Professional Point of View
Surprisingly, Dr. Jim Hutt, an experienced psychotherapist says that
yelling or rebuking your child occasionally might not diminish their sense of
self-esteem or security as long as it is not used as the major means of
punishment.
Effective Form of Punishment
Some of the ways you can adopt disciplining your child is by meting out
reasonable forms of discipline with long-term beneficial results. Always keep
in mind that disciplining your kid for wrong-doing ought to civilize them and
never regress their emotional growth. Kids bent on repeating mistakes
require consistent means of discipline including a great deal of rewarding good
behavior and nurturing as opposed to dwelling on punishing bad habits by means
of the cane.
Undoubtedly, it is not uncommon for a parent to feel pushed to unleash
shame on their child. In such a case, it would be worthwhile if you spare a
little time to apologize to your kids; in a language, they will easily
comprehend. Says Dr. Jim.
· Final
Tidbit: Dr. Jim Hurt sums up thus: “you cannot teach your children
that it’s fine to make mistakes, then ignore to admit your own mistakes; worse
still, fail to apologize”. But one can’t help thinking that a parent’s
principled stance on their children’s behavior represents a failure of
imagination. Finding innovative ways to help children to develop character has
been the legacy that’s the driving force behind the human personality. Share your
thoughts in the comments section below.